Vixen excerpts

Innovation in Vibration

Vibrators seem like pretty straightforward devices – until you start road-testing them, that is. There’s more variety than you may realize, with various options catering to different wants and needs. Some people prefer direct clitoral stimulation, while others like to tease the outside of their labia. Some enjoy a nice, fat cock shape and some prefer smaller devices. Should you get a hand-held vibe or a remote controlled one? Do you prefer to plug in your toys or go wireless? What kinds of batteries does the thing take, and how easy are they to swipe from other household appliances?

The mind boggles. I never knew there were so many options!

I also never thought people would mess with the obvious. I mean, shouldn’t a vibrating dildo be, well, cock-shaped?

Perhaps this is just an unintentionally heterosexist and phallocentric thought process in action, but it seems to me that the obvious shape for something you’d stick in your pussy is something rounded, flexible and distinctly penis-like. While it’s true that many things can be inserted into one’s vagina, including (but not limited to) fingers, fists and tongues, most of these body parts are also fairly flexible, rounded and even – if you squint real hard – cock-shaped. So forgive me if I figure that the obvious choice for a vibrator is not, say, The Cone.

The Cone is a rather exciting and terrifying contraption. It is, as its name suggests, conical in design and made of silicone. Rather than revving up a disembodied dong, the Cone suggests setting the pattern you prefer and riding it to orgasm. One of the settings is labelled the “orgasm” button, and apparently you should press it whenever you want to instantaneously cum.

An interesting concept, but the execution leaves something to be desired. First of all, this is hardly something you can use in partner play, unless you’re particularly athletic. The Cone comes with a diagram that suggests you sit on it while servicing a sexual partner. This would be a great suggestion, except that you have to somehow lower your body onto the Cone without accidentally impaling yourself on it – something tricky enough to do solo. Add a partner into the mix and it becomes nigh-on impossible for either of you to achieve orgasm, as you end up having to choose between lowering yourself down onto the device or lifting away from it in order to bring your mouth closer to your lover’s naughty bits. Okay, so it’s not Sophie’s Choice here, but what kind of cruel sadist forces you to choose between your own pleasure and your partner’s?!

A second and more partner-friendly option is Lelo’s Nea vibrator. This model also tinkers with common knowledge and offers a sort of tweaked egg design. Although this vibe isn’t particularly meant to slip inside, since it’s quite small, it does lend itself to being used in tandem with a real or simulated cock. While you’re riding your stallion, slip Nea in-between the two of you in much the same way you’d use a cock ring for a pleasant shared vibration. Aside from the fact that the vibrator won’t be attached to anything, which may cause it to slide around a bit if you aren’t holding it in place, this makes for an entertaining change of sexual pace.

Nea also beats the Cone in terms of reusability. Whereas the Cone requires three C batteries (an unusual size not often employed in vibrator technologies – or elsewhere, for that matter), Nea runs on a rechargeable battery for up to seven hours at a time. Simply plug it into the wall to charge it up, and after about two hours it’ll be ready to go. You’ll never have to remember to stock up on AAs again!

If you’re looking for something truly bizarre and decidedly untested (at least by the Vixen), perhaps you’d like to try out the Slightest Touch. This device claims to bring women to the brink of orgasm, although its means seem a bit suspect. According to a BBC News article I read, the device requires you to consume a sports drink with electrolytes 20 minutes prior to your encounter, and then attach electrodes to your ankles. Essentially, you’re supposed to self-administer low-level electroshock therapy, which will allegedly bring you to the verge of orgasm. How you’re meant to finish yourself off is left unspecified, as well as why anyone would pay $139.95 for what basically amounts to sticking their finger into a socket.

Durex, most famously known for their condoms, also makes a line of sex toys called Play, which includes massagers, warming oils and personal lubricants, as well as their one-time use vibrating cock ring called Durex Play Vibrations.

Naturally, a condom company wants to encourage safe sex, so the box comes with a latex condom as well as the toy itself. The one-use vibrating ring is made of rubber latex, and the enclosed instructions note that its battery will only last about 20 minutes. The instructions insist that you not try to replace the battery, under any circumstances. This is my biggest complaint about the product, but then again, if you really want longevity, you should probably venture into your local sex shop and get a real vibrating cock ring (like the ever-popular Blue Dolphin) instead of this disposable one.

As promised, Play Vibrations will definitely add a kick to your sexual sessions. The vibrator only has one speed, so if you’re looking for a high-intensity workout, this likely won’t rock your world. However, it will certainly add a novel sensation to your usual routine, and if you’re not entirely sure whether you want to invest 30 bucks in a reusable model, this is a fairly inexpensive way to explore your options.

KY, makers of lube, lube and more lube, have also begun selling a product called KY Yours + Mine. Touted as a gift pack of (hetero) couples’ lubricants where “his excites. hers delights. together they ignite,” the hubby and I thought this sounded interesting, though wondered what exactly the two lubes would do when combined. The packaging is rather unspecific in its claims (“Put the two together and suddenly, everything’s just right. Better than just right. Completely new and unexpected.”), which led us to worry that, together, the two lubes might somehow explode, burn or otherwise harm our naughty bits. Nevertheless, we forged ahead and did it for science to discover that the combined effect was probably always meant to be more psychological than physical. Behold, the awesome power of suggestion!

The Yours + Mine set is actually a pretty fun package, providing men with honey-flavoured lubrication and women with a pepperminty tingling sensation. While I cynically observed that the honey flavouring was probably intended to placate women who don’t like the taste of cock, and the tingling sensation created as a method of numbing the vagina for – perhaps the same women? – who don’t really enjoy sex, I actually did enjoy the minty sensation. At first. The longer you have it on your pussy, however, the more you might want to wipe it off and start fresh, as the unusual chill can become a bit overwhelming.

My other constructive criticism is that this particular product is clearly branded for heterosexual couples, despite the “yours” and “mine” labels that seem to indicate interchangeability. The hubby and I were confused about who was “you” and who was “me” until we noticed that a) the “male” bottle is blue and the “female” is purple, and b) it actually says “for her” under “mine” and “for him” under “yours.” A bit of simple redesign to include queer couples would be nice, particularly since you really can use these two lubes totally interchangeably.

Still, the unique test-tube design makes it feel like you’re staging a dirty, top-secret bedroom experiment. Add in some lab coats and safety goggles and you can role-play mad scientists together, with the worthy investigational goal of making each other cum. Just be careful where you aim that Bunsen burner.

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The Top Five

We’ve all got mental lists of our top fives for everything from songs and films to Chinese noodle shops, so why not a list of our Top Five Fucks? Admit it – you rate your sexual adventures, whether it’s with detailed analysis in a little black book or with snarky comments that reside solely in the wrinkles of your brain.

One day in my sexcapade-filled past, I decided to make an actual list of my sexual top performers, and this was what I came up with:

5. The Photographer

This guy will forever be affiliated with my definition of the perfect post-break-up fuck. After a nude photo shoot, we had sex in a friend’s shower for so long that we drained both of the apartments’ hot water tanks. We also managed to piss off one of his female friends, who was hoping for the chance to fuck him herself. My legs still get wobbly thinking about the things he did to me under the watchful eye of the showerhead. I have a weakness for men with smirky grins and dirty minds. When he kissed me and pronounced me “purified,” I felt my break-up scars healed like a born-again Christian finding Jesus. Love, lust – what’s the difference when you’ve got hot sex?

4. The $1.20 Boyfriend

Yes, I paid a dollar and twenty cents for the privilege of saying this guy was my boyfriend. It was a bargain, my friend, and I bet you’re still trying to figure out how I conned him into it. After all, boyfriends don’t just grow on trees. More fully detailed in my zine, The Dollar-Twenty Boyfriend, our relationship was served hot and fast with a double shot of cream, much like the Tim Hortons coffee from whence its name derives. This particular gentleman seduced me with poems scrawled on a pair of boxer briefs, and other writerly bullshit that charmed my inner romantic (who’s usually tied up and gagged by my inner cynic). We fucked crazily under an avalanche of books, and he still has a pair of my panties that he undoubtedly sniffs every night before bed. Simultaneously both creepy and hot, the $1.20 Boyfriend was the best investment I’ve ever made in a boy.

3. Fine Arts Boy

A graphic artist in love with Jackson Pollock, Fine Arts Boy’s pink, green and blue splatter painting used to hang on the wall of my vagina-pink bedroom. I got wet every time I looked at it, thinking about the mornings when he’d wake me by diving straight for my pussy and burying himself there. Holy fuck, was he good with his tongue! FAB was certainly an apt acronym for this guy, as the sex was totally amazing.

2. Suicide Boy

So sweet and sexy, I first saw this guy naked on the Internet. A female friend and I had been trawling the Suicide Girls group “Suicide Boys,” looking for men worthy of merit, and were about to give up entirely when we found SB’s set, entitled “One Man’s Junk.” We gawked, we drooled, we howled, “Where’s the junk?!” when he toyed with our lustful minds by cropping his cock out of the final shot. Lucky for me, I got to see the junk and the trunk up-close and personal. The best kisser in the world, SB knows how to show a lady a good time. After he came in my mouth, he licked his cum off my face like a cat. Who knew I’d find that so unbelievably hot? I woke up wanting more of him, with church bells ringing outside – or was it just those damned wind chimes?

1. Lover Boy

I’ll admit it: I’m biased. I mean, I went and married the guy who makes me cum on a regular basis, so it’s sort of unfair to the rest of these chaps to even put them in the same league. But it’s true, Lover Boy makes me laugh when I cum, and beats himself up when I don’t quite get there. Sometimes I can’t help it; he’s so sexy that I just want to suck his cock until he explodes, and then laughs, and then kisses me. I love him every which way, but for some reason our favourite position is one the Tao Te Ching calls “Cicada on a Bough.” It makes me chirp every time. I also love that he loves being my sexual guinea pig, helping me test new sex toys and bizarre products, all for the good for humanity – and to keep the wheels spinning at my evil multinational, Vixen Enterprises. There’s really nothing hotter than a partner in crime, particularly when he’s wearing nothing but 10 per cent spandex.

So, baby, who’s in your top five?