I fucked Sarah Palin

Recently, I was scanning through my Vixen Files opus, trying to figure out how to divide the text up into several smaller, sexy ebooks, when I came across a piece I wrote in 2008 that’s still startlingly relevant today.

The piece, originally entitled “Oh Yes, Yes… YES! We Can!” referred mainly to the fact that the U.S. had just elected its first black President, Barack Obama. But my commentary about Sarah Palin – who was then running with John McCain as a Vice-Presidential hopeful – is actually what struck me as oh-so-prescient. And disturbing, particularly given her absurdist interview of current-day front-runner, Donald Trump, who has stated publicly that he wouldn’t mind having the bimbo in his Cabinet.

Here’s what I wrote, back in November of 2008:


You heard it here first: I fucked Sarah Palin.

A lot of other people fucked her too, given the fact that the entire United States of America has had its way with her. In the end, all votes for Barack Obama screwed Palin and her running mate, John McCain, quite nicely in last week’s threesome, er… presidential election.

Yes, Obama is America’s 44th president-elect, and nothing could be finer. As the first political figure to inspire hope in the hopeless (including this jaded sex columnist), I find our next president sexy as all get-out. And why not? He’s intelligent, sensitive, a good listener, a fine public speaker, a Harvard law graduate and, like any good political leader, he’s thrifty. Though Esquire chose him as one of the 20 best-dressed men in the world, he admitted to Vibe that he’s “got sweaters with holes in ‘em and suits all shiny and worn.”

Even hotter, he genuinely loves his wife, Michelle, and isn’t afraid to admit it. His presidential acceptance speech referred to her as “the love of my life,” as well as “my rock,” and though many presidents have made similar statements (some even as they were getting blowjobs from interns), with Obama it rings true.

There’s change afoot, all right, and I’m a little choked up to see it, after so many years of 1984-ish lies and politics-as-usual from the Bush administration. Obama is truly a breath of fresh air for the land of the free. I wish him the best of luck, as he’s got a tough job to do, namely cleaning up after the Republicans, as well as returning Americans their rights and freedoms curtailed by the evil Patriot Act of 2001.

Still, it’s not all doom and gloom for the new prez. After all, he’s already got a dildo modeled after his visage. The Head O State may not look much like the Big O, but I guess it’s the novelty people are after, more than the artistic realism.

In other political sex toy news, both NYC and Seattle branches of the Babeland sex shop gave away free toys to all those who could prove they voted on Nov. 4. On offer was their very own Silver Bullet, as well as the Maverick penis sleeve, both popular items in-store. I’d love to know how many people took them up on this offer, or took it hand-in-hand with Starbucks’ free cup of coffee or Ben & Jerry’s free ice cream…

In my quest to find juicy news items by Google-searching “sex toys” and “Obama” together, I discovered a Fleshbot post that noted that Senator Obama had voted against a bill that would have made it illegal to open a sex shop within five miles of a school. As the extremely right-wing website National Review Online points out, “anywhere within five miles” of a school or church (the wording referring to a bill regarding the placement of gun shops) pretty much guarantees that there will be no such shops anywhere in the U.S., given the abundance of schools and houses of worship. Clearly, this makes Obama a friend of sex shops, which only increases his appeal in my eyes. Could Obama be our first sex-positive Christian president?

It sends a little frisson of excitement down my spine just thinking about the possibilities: Obama overturns Joycelyn Elders’ firing, proving that masturbation is, in fact, okay. Obama reverses Prop. 8 (among others), thereby allowing gay marriage and giving gay couples the right to adopt. Obama allows birth control, morning-after pills and abortions to be covered by Medicaid. Just think, America too could benefit from the sexual freedoms Canadians currently take for granted!

But seriously, if Obama’s election doesn’t usher in a whole new period of peace, love and prosperity for the United States, there’s going to be hell to pay. He’s a man of change, a man of action, a man (we hope) of his word – but he’s still a man. And while there’s no way I would ever have considered Sarah Palin a competent female leader, there’s still a part of me that wonders why America was ready for a black man to lead the country, but not a white woman (see: Hillary Clinton).

There’s also a part of me that shudders to think that we haven’t seen the last of ol’ Caribou Barbie’s lipstick-on-a-pitbull mug. Some even speculate she’s already plotting her 2012 presidential campaign. I hope to Jeebus they’re pulling my leg, cuz that’s not even funny.

I stand by my final comment of this column; the concept of Sarah Palin in charge of anything makes me want to vomit.

In conclusion: I fucked the Republican Party in 2008, and I plan to do it again in 2016 – especially if they think Donald Trump is the man for the job.