Mega haiku catch-up

I have been behind on my writing this week, and haven’t posted any of my daily haiku since October 12! Therefore, I will make-up with a MEGA HAIKU CATCH-UP post, right now. Five crazy haiku, coming atcha. In five… four… three…

Ugg Boots in action. The horror!
Ugg Boots in action. The horror!

To begin, let’s start with my hatred for Ugg Boots. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that look like the type of hideously ugly slippers someone’s mom who has ceased to view herself as a human being shuffles around the house in? Those. Hate ’em. Especially when worn by so-called “fashion conscious” university students, paired up with sleazy sweatpants. Try harder, damn you! You’re young and beautiful! Stop dressing like middle-aged bag ladies! Anyway, the haiku:

It’s that time of year:
Shoes turn to boots in the
shop windows. Fuck Uggs!

Seriously. When they’ve actually shortened the name of the company from “Ugly Boots” to “Uggs,” you should know it’s time to run screaming.

In keeping with the fashion theme, I recently purchased a pair of hot 80s-inspired earrings from my friend Mercedes La Rosa, who is selling her wares under the company name bijougraphie. I dig the name of the earrings I bought, too: Neuromantics. She informs me that they were inspired by listening to a lot of Duran Duran. So I wrote a little ode to her latest creative effort:

bijougraphie, c’est
trés jolie! Neuromantics
swaying on my lobes

You should definitely check them out if you’ve got holes in your ears or a neck to swing some chains on. She’s got an Etsy shop, or you can buy direct from her website.

Two down, three to go!

In personal news, it looks like my “V for Vixen” column is going to undergo some changes over at the Hour website. The paper just keeps shrinking, due to lean financial times and lack of advertising dollars, so my editors have asked me to pitch a shorter, half-sized version of my column. Since my 750 words will be scaled back to only 375, I’ve been thinking about different ideas that will fit into this more bite-sized format. Naturally, the dirty haiku came to mind, as did a Twitter-esque “sex in 140” type of format. So while I’m pondering this issue, as well as potential new names for my column, I came up with a haiku on the subject:

Pro tips in fifty
words or less, give or take three-
hundred. Sexy slice.

Inspired by this “sexy slice” concept, here are my final two haiku, along with a link to an amusing “Twatif” video, originally posted on the Huffington Post:

Sweet lovin’ on the
hot-love highway, he rocks out
with rubber dildos

Tantalizing tease
Cum and gone in one-forty
Brave new world of sex


  • Tracey

    Awesome haikus, Laura. I, too, hate Uggs. I can’t believe I allow my wife to own a pair. As for your column, that sucks. The Hour has been obviously shrinking over the past couple of years. Have you ever picked up a copy of LA Weekly or Village Voice? I really do wonder how they can afford to put out a 200+ page publication every week, with TONS of ads.

  • Laura Roberts

    Thanks, Tracey! Oddly enough, I clicked over to the Uggs website (in search of a photo to illustrate their hideousness), and found that some of their newer styles are not nearly as bootie-slipper as the original. Still, the fact that they’ve become popular based on one of the ugliest shoe styles known to man prevents me from supporting them, no matter how hot their styles may ultimately become.

    As for the Hour sitch, it definitely sucks, but I think it’s been a long time coming. Like you said, it’s been shrinking for years. I think the Village Voice is distributed in several cities (their website lists Chicago, LA, New York and Phoenix on their “Voice Media Group” page), so they can have more national advertisers, and therefore charge a lot more for their ads. That seems like the way to go, but then again, the U.S. has lots more ad money to throw around anyone. In Montreal, an English language newspaper is always going to struggle. They should really try to get a grant, like all the “minority” anglo magazines do!