If you’re reading this, it’s probably safe to say that you like my writing. And maybe you’ve even thought you’d like to have me write something for you, for money. Fabulous! The question is: HOW?

It’s pretty simple, actually, but since I do get a lot of emails from very confused people who think I will ghostwrite entire books for them for free (with the promise of “50% of the sales!”), I thought maybe I should take the time to write up a few notes on how to go about contacting writers with your business proposal.

In other words: here’s how to hire a writer without pissing them off.

Be Specific

First off: I get a lot of email, and if your subject line doesn’t make it clear that it’s a business proposal or request for a quote, I’ll delete it. I get enough spam trying to sell me Viagra and enlarge my (nonexistent) penis, and currently I’ve got jerkoffs trying to “optimize my website” who don’t know the first thing about SEO or the CAN-SPAM Act. If I don’t recognize your name, and your subject line sounds spammy, or your email is hotguy6969@hotmail.com (sorry, bro), your email is going into the trash.

Secondly, I need to know what you want me to do for you. I don’t need vast details about how exciting and intriguing and full of suspense your life has been, but if you want me to complete a project, you should tell me what it’s about.

As in: “I need a personal biography of about 500 words for my press kit.” Or: “I want you to write some blog entries for my website.” Or even: “I’m interested in writing a book, and want you to be a co-author.” Just tell me in one sentence what type of project it is.

Finally, if you have any type of budget I’ll need to work with, let me know. If you want a $25 biography, sorry, you’re SOL. That ship sailed 6 months ago; you missed the boat. BUT if you work for a non-profit organization or registered charity, or need to pay me on an installment plan, or otherwise have legitimate concerns about footing the bill, please don’t hesitate to mention those things in your email. (Briefly, of course.)

Also, for those of you completely unfamiliar with typical writing rates, check out my post “What to pay a professional writer” to get a feel for what I charge for my services.

Time Frame

Okay, so you know what you want, but you need it by last Tuesday. Fuck. Now what? How about this:

TELL ME.

As in: tell me about the time frame in your first email. If it’s a rush order, it’s going to cost more, but it’ll get done on time. The trick is that you’ve got to let me know that you needed it by last Tuesday and your boss is pissed and you need some kind of miracle worker or time machine to get out of this sticky situation, because while I can OCCASIONALLY work miracles, I’m still (tragically) unable to mind-read.

Don’t Assume I’m Free

This is a bit of a rarity, but sometimes people will just drop emails in my inbox, saying “I need this by tomorrow night!” And I mean completely out of nowhere. Yes, people I don’t even KNOW (not to mention people I’ve never done business with) are somehow assuming that I will get right to work, dropping everything just because they threw it at me.

Huh?

My question is: who does this? Seriously, if we have NO working relationship, NO contract and you send NO instructions on top of it all, please do NOT assume I’m free to do the job. Seems like it should go without saying, but since it’s happened, clearly the obvious must be stated.

Also on the subject: I don’t typically work for free, so please don’t approach me with “work” that doesn’t pay unless there’s a truly outstanding reason.

Don’t Assume I’m Too Busy (or Expensive!)

Paradoxically following up my last tip, never assume I’m too busy to help you out. While I don’t like last-minute jobs that are dumped on me by random weirdos who don’t have a clue, I DO take on all kinds of projects, from the very large to the very small. If your budget is outside of my norms, but there are some kind of extenuating circumstances, we can work something out. Maybe in the form of a payment plan, maybe in the form of a trade for something I want or need. Rates are negotiable depending on circumstances, which is why I don’t publish any hard and fast fees on my site.

Ask Questions

While I can be annoyed by clients who ask too many questions (i.e. the ones who are virtually hovering over me and micro-managing my work instead of just letting me do it), I actually much prefer people to ask questions up front. Why? Because it’s way better than assuming we are both on the same page, or that they know something they really don’t. So please feel free to email me and ask questions if you don’t understand something or have special circumstances that need to be addressed. I am more than willing to discuss topics related to working together, so don’t be shy!

Also under this heading is my “if it’s not on the menu” policy. There’s a list of things that I do, or have done, or will do again below. But there’s also stuff that I’ve never tried before, or haven’t thought of doing yet. So if you don’t see something on my menu of available options below, don’t assume I won’t do it; ASK!

Keep in mind, however, that there are certain things I absolutely WILL NOT do, including:

• Writing term papers
• Doing your homework for you
• Writing anything illegal or unethical (and if you have to ask, it’s probably illegal or unethical)

Types of Writing I Do

This isn’t an exhaustive list of the types of stuff I will write, as mentioned above, but it’s a good place to start:

• Press releases for events
• Personal and corporate biographies
• Interviews
• Reviews (book, music, film, stage)
• Newsletters, and articles you can use in your newsletter
• Magazine and newspaper articles
• Blog entries for your website, whether one-offs (guest posts) or regular contributions (columns)
• Toasts and speeches and poems for weddings, anniversaries and other happy occasions
• Eulogies and memorials and tribute speeches for solemn occasions
• Technical documentation for online help pages or user manuals
• Ghostwritten or co-written books (depending on the topic, and subject to a significant retainer fee)
• Short fiction, poetry, novels

Still interested?

I’m easy to work with, and I’m always interested in learning about new projects! Check out my articles on How to work with a writer and What to pay a professional writer to learn more about the process of working with me, or email me at editor@buttontapper.com to discuss working together.