I have been behind on my writing this week, and haven’t posted any of my daily haiku since October 12! Therefore, I will make-up with a MEGA HAIKU CATCH-UP post, right now. Five crazy haiku, coming atcha. In five… four… three…
To begin, let’s start with my hatred for Ugg Boots. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that look like the type of hideously ugly slippers someone’s mom who has ceased to view herself as a human being shuffles around the house in? Those. Hate ’em. Especially when worn by so-called “fashion conscious” university students, paired up with sleazy sweatpants. Try harder, damn you! You’re young and beautiful! Stop dressing like middle-aged bag ladies! Anyway, the haiku:
It’s that time of year:
Shoes turn to boots in the
shop windows. Fuck Uggs!
Seriously. When they’ve actually shortened the name of the company from “Ugly Boots” to “Uggs,” you should know it’s time to run screaming.
In keeping with the fashion theme, I recently purchased a pair of hot 80s-inspired earrings from my friend Mercedes La Rosa, who is selling her wares under the company name bijougraphie. I dig the name of the earrings I bought, too: Neuromantics. She informs me that they were inspired by listening to a lot of Duran Duran. So I wrote a little ode to her latest creative effort:
trés jolie! Neuromantics
swaying on my lobes
Two down, three to go!
In personal news, it looks like my “V for Vixen” column is going to undergo some changes over at the Hour website. The paper just keeps shrinking, due to lean financial times and lack of advertising dollars, so my editors have asked me to pitch a shorter, half-sized version of my column. Since my 750 words will be scaled back to only 375, I’ve been thinking about different ideas that will fit into this more bite-sized format. Naturally, the dirty haiku came to mind, as did a Twitter-esque “sex in 140” type of format. So while I’m pondering this issue, as well as potential new names for my column, I came up with a haiku on the subject:
Pro tips in fifty
words or less, give or take three-
hundred. Sexy slice.
Inspired by this “sexy slice” concept, here are my final two haiku, along with a link to an amusing “Twatif” video, originally posted on the Huffington Post:
Sweet lovin’ on the
hot-love highway, he rocks out
with rubber dildos
Cum and gone in one-forty
Brave new world of sex