Button Tapper

So, I just finished reading the Perry Mason book I picked up for 25 cents at the Atwater Library’s book sale last week. The title of the book was Perry Mason Solves the Case of the Cautious Coquette, which naturally caught my eye, what with the coquettes and the alliteration. Here’s what I wrote about it for my GoodReads review:

The Case of the Cautious Coquette by Erle Stanley Gardner

My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Picked this one up for 25 cents at the Atwater Library’s book sale. Worth every penny! Especially for this exchange printed on the book’s back cover:

“‘Could this letter,’ Mason asked Della Street, ‘have been written by the woman herself? I want to get the feminine angle.’

Della laughed. ‘There aren’t any feminine angles–they’re curves.’

Fast curves!”

Definitely has retro appeal, with its terminology like “frame-up” and “slick flimflams” and I think, at some point, someone must have referred to women in this book as “broads” (though it probably wasn’t Perry Mason, since he’s such a stand-up guy). Also, for future reference: I love the saying “What the deuce?”

A quick read, great for mystery lovers and Perry Mason fans (I must admit, I’ve never read any Perry Mason books before this one, nor even seen the TV show). Not the best mystery I’ve ever read, but definitely not the worst. Besides, it reminded me of all the silly “Cat Who…” books I used to read when I was a kid, and makes me want to try writing a mystery/detective novel of my own.

There’s just one more thing… why the deuce is Perry Mason, a lawyer, always getting mixed up in the crime-solving element of the case? It don’t add up. Thoughts?

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For reals, though: aren’t detectives supposed to be solving cases, not lawyers? I think Mr. Mason may be in the wrong line of work!

Anyway, like I said: the book makes me want to try my hand at a mystery of my own. This seems like the ultimate challenge, since you’d really have to know the plot all the way through and, I figure, start at the end and work backwards. For someone who usually likes to see what develops as she writes, this is the exact opposite of my writing style. Hence the challenge.

So… any mystery lovers out there? Got any advice for someone who’d like to write a mystery of her own? I’m digging the retro angle of this particular book (which I realize was not “retro” when it was written, but would be if imitated today), so I’m thinking something noir would be good. I just can’t find any dang Raymond Chandler books around here, which I think would help put me in the mood more, and give me that whole “learning from the best” perspective. Thoughts? Suggestions? Books to donate?

"Le baiser de l'hôtel de ville" by Robert Doisneau, 1950

My erotic astrological signs series starts today at Oysters & Chocolate with the first installment: Virgo!

That’s a bit of a mouthful. I need to come up with a title for this series. Maybe “Kiss My Astrology”? (Other suggestions welcome.)

O&C will be posting my new dirty astrologically-inspired short stories on a monthly basis, so check back around the 23rd each month to read new works. And if you’ve got anything you’d like to see for YOUR sign, feel free to write in with suggestions! Next month’s story, Libra, is already written, but you can still chime in on Scorpio for the October installment.

For another astrologically interesting take on life, the universe, and everything, be sure to check out Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology horoscopes. He’s definitely my favourite astrologist, since he leaves things open ended and always poses questions, rather than submitting ridiculous ideas about what’s going to happen to you this week, based on the alignment of the stars and/or planets. Here’s a direct link to Virgo, for all you “virgins” out there.

Yes, I’ve changed the design of my site yet again. I get tired of the same old thing, and since there are so many cool free themes out there, I like to change my designs the way some people like to change their hairstyles.

I should probably change my hairstyle, too, but that’s another blog altogether.

Anyway, I’m still tweaking it a bit, in order to reach the optimum level of awesome this particular design will allow. I’m not sure how to get it to re-order my links at the top, since they’re not in the order I’ve designated, but the designer says he’s releasing an updated version in the next few days, so perhaps it’ll be cured then.

In the meantime, let me know what you think of this old-skool “Par Avion/Airmail” design, courtesy of John Nye!

P.S. If you’re really interested in old-skool mail stuff, you may also be interested in joining the International Union of Mail-Artists or the Facebook Hail Snail Mail! Help Save Canada Post! group.

UPDATED AT 7:31 PM: My hosting provider apparently deleted all my Wordpress files! I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to reinstall them all day, and just put in another support ticket to ask if they could re-install them, seeing as I never expected them to be deleted to begin with. This is really starting to piss me off. No, really. If this goes on much longer, I may just delete everything on my website entirely and leave a page that says “FUCK YOU ALL” in its place.

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Moving on to Day 5 of my website being hacked and thus down for the count. I’m not sure how long it takes to clean an infected site, but my hosting provider is not doing a very good job of keeping me in the loop, at this point. I’ve run a virus scan on my home computer to make sure it’s not infected with any viruses itself, and so far so good. Then I told my host that I couldn’t access my site either via cPanel or FTP. They reset my password, so now I can log in, but as for who’s supposed to be cleaning the damn thing and making sure it’s non-malicious again, it’s anyone’s guess. The last email I received from them said first that THEY would be cleaning it, and then said something about ME cleaning it. Huh?

I’m really hoping that THEY are going to clean it, because if it’s up to me, this mofo is never going to be online again.

In any case, communication is getting sketchy. I asked if they could give me an ETA on the cleaning process, since it’s majorly frustrating to have no idea what’s going on, nor when things might be back to normal. I’ll let you know when I find out.

Last night I had horrible dreams that my website had been hacked, and that the people I was talking to at my hosting provider were actually the hackers themselves, trying to screw me over even further. Either that or the emails I was sending were being re-routed to the hackers’ inbox, and they were impersonating my hosting service. Neither idea was very comforting, so I’m feeling particularly paranoid this morning.

The most frustrating part of this whole thing, to me, is the way that everyone wants their website to be safe, but no reliable information seems to be available on how to accomplish this task. If I search for security suggestions online, I feel that this just gives me inherently flawed information. I mean, if *I* can access it, then so can any would-be (or actual) hackers. These tricks are known; their hacks are not. And it drives me up the wall when I get “suggestions” like “Don’t use ‘password’ as your password,” or “Make sure your password is strong.” Thanks, pal. I’m a little beyond basic computing here; I need something a bit more advanced than a non-dictionary-based password.

And the ironic thing? I did an interview yesterday with an RCMP officer who works in the cyber crime division. It was for a piece I wrote for my column on the subject of cyber stalking, but it was bizarre, nevertheless, to be discussing a different kind of cyber crime as I tried to deal with a personal attack.

I doubt I will ever find out who the hackers who took down my site really are. That makes me angry, especially since I believe that cyber crimes should be taken as seriously as real-life crimes—particularly when they have real-life consequences, such as disrupting a person’s business or stealing a person’s identity. I have no way of knowing what the intent of these hackers was, and perhaps they were only being mischievious, but the fact remains that I have now lost two work days trying to deal with the mess, and I’m about to lose another. That should be punishable. At the very least, those who abuse the digital world should be temporarily banned from it, to give them a taste of their own medicine. Being offline, when it’s your choice, is much different than having the plug pulled.

Looks like I spoke (or wrote) too soon: my Black Heart site is still infected, it seems, as now I’m getting a message that says it’s a “reported attack site.” Awesome. Have I mentioned that I effing HATE hackers?

In other news, my husband and I drove to Bumfuck, Ontario this weekend to help his mother celebrate her 60th birthday. Unfortunately, it was the hottest weekend of the summer thus far, we had no A/C in the truck, and the traffic was horrible the entire way. A trip that should’ve taken about five hours took us eight, and on top of that, we nearly got a speeding ticket from a highway patrolman on a motorcycle who’d been cruising at exactly 100 in the middle lane while everyone else fell below the speed limit to avoid passing him. (The only good part of our trip was that he let us off with the warning “Don’t pass police officers”!)

Since we had seen the pile-ups on the opposite side, we decided to turn around and drive back the same evening to avoid getting stuck in the construction zones in the baking heat on Sunday. So basically, we drove to Nowheresville for dinner at a Swiss Chalet, dropped off a birthday card in person, doled out some hugs and good wishes, and then drove home. It was a pretty horrible experience, and if I’d known it was going to be like that in advance, I would’ve suggested we not go at all. As it was, we ended up stopping at a rest area sometime around 3 in the morning to catch some Zs, and just so you know: The rest areas on the 401 do close at some point during the night. We had to wait a few minutes to pump gas when we got started again, sometime around 6 AM. Fun times.

Therefore, unless there’s some unbelievably good reason, I am swearing off all future trips to Ontario. I am so not into spending my weekends in the car.

I also received a rejection for my book proposal from ECW (that was fast, eh?), and spent the rest of my weekend sleeping in my air-conditioned bedroom and watching Aliens. This morning I received news that one of my good friends’ marriage is breaking up, and apparently there’s nothing that can be done about it.

All in all, I have to say that so far, this week is off to a pretty awful start. I’m really hoping it improves, otherwise I may need to go jump off a bridge.