Button Tapper

I recently heard from Oysters & Chocolate regarding a few of the stories I’d sent them. They were two from my Astrological Signs collection, which I’m still working on, and the editors liked them so much that they’ve decided to run them as a monthly feature! So, starting on August 23rd, you’ll be able to find my erotica every month on their site, starting with my short story Virgo. Mark your calendars!

I need to get started on Scorpio, as I’ve already written a story for Libra, so any inspiration on that particular sign is welcome. I don’t think I actually know any Scorpios, so if your birthday falls between October 23 and November 22, let me know and we’ll chat.

I currently own a copy of the photography book Lust Circus, and I’m looking to sell. It’s a sexy piece of my collection, but since I’m going to be moving (eventually), I’m starting to pare down the bookshelf to make the trip easier. Apparently this particular volume is going for $78.13 on Amazon; I’d be willing to part with mine for a mere $50. Whaddya say?

The book is full of hot ladies (and a few men) in various fetishwear and states of undress, and the photographer is Dave Naz, who has also photographed the infamous Sasha Grey. His work has been featured in Black + White, FHM, GQ, Maxim, Nerve, Salon and more.

If you’ve got an offer, send me a message via my contact page and we’ll talk.

In an extremely tardy response to my blog post about The Gazette’s bitchy review of Jon Paul Fiorentino’s Stripmalling (written way back in April), I recently received some email from the bitchy reviewer himself, Claude Lalumière! He said not to bother responding, after his editor at ChiZine Publications, Brett Savory, left me a bitchy comment on my blog, which was promptly deleted. I wrote to Savory to inform him that his comment was being deleted for its rude tone, and instead of forming a civil response (so as to ensure the hoped-for correction), he wrote me a nasty email arguing the same point in an even bitchier tone. And they say editors today have no people skills!

Since they two of them decided to tag-team me, I obviously have no choice but to correct the mistake from my previous blog as publicly as I can.

According to Savory, Lalumière has never engaged in vanity publishing, and after looking over a list of his publishing credits, I will admit I miswrote. The original comment I had written in my blog read:

“According to your blog, you’ve got some online fiction, zines, and a few stories that have been included in anthologies. Wow, that’s really ambitious! You haven’t even written a novel, much less a full volume of poetry, and your only publisher so far has been… you. Oh, and someplace called ChiZine Publications, who will be publishing your very first work.”

Clearly, what I meant to write is that Claude Lalumière has never published a book-length work in his life, much less a novel, and therefore has no business arguing that someone like Jon Paul Fiorentino has created a work of fiction that is somehow lacking in “ambition” [his term, as argued in his bitchy Gazette review].

So, no, Lalumière is not a vanity presser. He’s just not a novelist, nor is he a person with ambition, judging by the lack of novel-length works on his list of publications. Considering that this was, essentially, his beef with JPF (saying “[...] he can’t be bothered to at least try to create a work of some ambition”), I guess that makes him a hypocrite! And also, given his über-bitchy email to me (which he actually told me was “not fodder for your blog,” btw, as if he has any right to tell someone else what subjects or material they can or cannot write about in a personal blog—an arena that does NOT go by the same journalistic standards as a newspaper), I’d call him a straight-up douchebag. You know: the type of person who, when misrepresented, decides to pick a fight with the person in question, rather than attempting to correct the matter like a civil member of our nice, polite society.

You know what, Lalumière? You’ve already dug your own grave. After reading your bitchy review, I decided I’d never bother reading any of your work, and I bet plenty of other people felt the same way. I wasn’t alone in thinking the review was needlessly catty, that’s for sure. But now that you’ve taken your attempt at defending that bitchy review to the level of writing bitchy “personal” emails to the person who dared to call you on your bad public behaviour, don’t think for a second that I’m going to just sit back and let you walk all over me, too. I have the right to express my own opinions, and I have, and I shall. So get over it, because that’s what people do in their blogs.

In the future, if anyone wants me to correct factual inaccuracies here, all it takes is a polite email or comment. I have corrected and will continue to correct mistakes in my blog, if supplied with proper counter-evidence. However, I simply cannot be bothered with responding to angry, ranty, or purely bitchy comments, regardless of the nature of the requests that may be buried in the venom. If you want results from this blogger, you’ll have to try being polite for once in your life. Period.

P.S. I did finally read Stripmalling, after my original blog post, and my review of it has been online at Fiction Writers Review since June 1, 2009.

Several things have spurred me to write a lot more lately:

• I’m sick of the crap payment I get from one of my usual gigs. Coupled with the company’s overall lack of respect for the work I do for them (and, by all the reports from other writers I know, the general lack of respect this company has for their writers), as well as the fact that I’ve been a freelancer there for two years now, but will never get a raise, direct deposit payments (?!), or better quality assignments from them, and it’s about time to be moving on. NOTE: This is a gig where my published works remain uncredited.
• I read this great article by Debbie Ridpath Ohi Deb Ng called “40 Freelance Writing Markets Paying $100 Or More (Much More)” (which Debbie Ridpath Ohi had tweeted about, hence my confusion regarding its author) and started to investigate some of the higher-paying markets she mentioned. Some of them, like Wish, have unfortunately gone out of business, but there are some on that list that I have had on my “to do” list for a long time. I mean, I actually subscribed to The Sun about a year ago, with the intention of studying their freebie issue and then writing up a brilliant submission, but I still haven’t written anything for them! I keep telling myself I’ll get around to it, so it’s about time, don’t you think?
• I actually wrote to an ex of mine who works at a local magazine, asking how the heck you get someone over there to pay attention to you, having written about 90,000 emails to various editors that have all gone unanswered. A few minutes after I wrote the note to him, the editor I’d last approached sent a response to my email. It was a rejection, but at least I got a response this time. Oh, and the editor said I should definitely pitch something else, so that’s another plus—and another reason to just get my computer implanted into my head somewhere, so I can be writing at all times.
• I’ve been doing well on the 500 Words A Day Challenge, too! I took Monday off, but have kept up so far, even blasting way ahead on Sunday when I was suddenly inspired.
• I need to become a famous writer so I can have crazy book jacket photos of myself that give David Sedaris a run for his money. You know, photos that are even cooler than this one:


David Sedaris breathes fire, because he is awesome.

• Finally, I just read a couple of articles about how NOT to write a story, which reminded me why I wanted to write fiction in the first place: because there are no limits! Lots of people writing books these days have no imagination; they are writing junk that breaks all of the rules of entertainment, and not in a good way. I know I can do better, because I don’t want to crank out books based on a formula. Art does not happen in a lab, or by colouring in the lines. Art is messy, dangerous, and crazy, and I’d much rather be an artist than a well-paid shill.

All of this adds up to me needing to put fingers to keyboard a lot more. And not on Facebook or Twitter, although those are certainly fun diversions. So basically, I just wrote this blog to say that I’m going to be holing up in my hermit hole and writing a lot more. If you see me out and about, I’m either a) researching, b) going to the post office to mail off my manuscripts, or c) getting a much needed caffeine transfusion—so don’t get in my way!

I’m waiting for a guy to come and fix my clogged bathroom drains. Again. This is the story of my life, and I’d really like it to stop, but since I can’t concentrate (knowing that whenever I do get started on something, he will ring the doorbell and interrupt my work with a lot of banging), I thought I would post a round-up of writing-related t-shirts. Consider this your inspiration for the day. Or just another round of procrastination from your 500 Words A Day Writing Challenge.

Four Things You Should Never Say to a Writer (by Inkygirl):

I would also add to this list, “Oh, you’re working on a novel, eh? Can I read it?” and “You write about sex, eh? Let’s go do some ‘research’ together!” (The answers to both now, and forever, are “no” and “hell no.” Unless you are my husband.)

NaNoWriMo’s 10th anniversary “Author” shirt:

I’m a big fan of this one, and like to wear it when I’m in need of literary inspiration. Way better than a thinking cap, particularly in the heat of summer. If it smells funny, you know it’s been on repeat in my wardrobe for long writing hauls.

“Shake” shirt by Sharing Machine:

Were truer words ever written… or read off a t-shirt? Shakespeare needs money for his rent, sucka, so cough up! Wear this shirt when dealing with editors who haven’t paid you, or when the landlord comes prowling for your monthly check.

Dorothy Parker t-shirt by Words + Paper:

This one is particularly apropos, as I was reading Ms. Parker’s O. Henry Award-winning short story, “Big Blonde,” over breakfast this morning. Cheerios, coffee and DP: truly, the breakfast of champions.

“Plot, It Builds Character” tee, from Threadless:

Currently on sale for only $9, this is a Threadless tee that’ll help you remember how to write when you’re making pitiful rookie mistakes. I’m also a fan of their “Movies: Ruining the Book Since 1920” tee, since I’m crazy like that.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

Fyodor Dostoyevsky “O Brother Where Art Thou?” shirt from Tres Normale:

Because Dostoyevsky wrote The Brothers Karamazov, get it? Yeah, since only a handful of people probably get this one, it only rates an honourable mention. But for those that do, it’s pretty cute. I think their Milton tee would also be a lot better if the caption read “Get lost,” but what do I know?

I would also like to nominate these Hunter S. Thompson t-shirts for an honourable mention, because while I think that some of them are pretty cool (I particularly like the “We can’t stop here; this is bat country!” shirt), I also get the impression that ol’ Hunter S. would’ve been pretty horrified by his visage—and his words—appearing on a cheap cotton shirt. Particularly one that’s been made by Café Press, which (based on personal experience) produces a very poor-quality product. I’m also pretty sure that this type of thing is illegal, as it infringes upon a variety of copyrights (and yet has the nerve to claim copyright on these designs!), so I’m kind of hoping this site will go out of business. Of course, there’s no contact info listed anywhere, so who knows who’s actually running this show? Maybe it’s Thompson’s estate, playing a practical joke on us all.